Sometimes ‘Working on us’ is Just Avoiding Yourself
I thought I could work it out.
I thought all I needed was to find “The” answer.
I thought if I tried hard enough…
I could change us through the will of my want.
⠀
But that was the trap.
The outside world is not mine to command—
only my inside one is.
⠀
When a relationship ended, I didn’t just lose “us.”
See, I used us.
The intimate comfort,
the sublime connection…
the intoxicating joy of a shared life…
I used our relationship
to ignore my self.
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And in the end…
after there wasn’t enough left to repair,
all of the “me” stuff I’d been so easily avoiding,
came crashing in all at once—
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on top of the
grief, the
shame, the
loss of loss.
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It’s a devastating way to wake up—
realizing I lost the girl,
and never quite found the man.
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I’m not painting the exterior of the house anymore.
I’m in the basement doing the wiring.
That’s why I’m being so intentional now.
That’s why what you’re reading right now exists.
⠀
The next time I find a ‘her’, my home will be warm.
The lights will be on.
I will be there.
⠀
If you’re also someone who is done hiding behind “us”—
hello to you, from me.
