Don’t Find Yourself. Return.

𝘼𝙩 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨… 𝙄’𝙫𝙚 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖 𝙩𝙤𝙤𝙣𝙞𝙚 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙧’𝙨 𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙛𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙘𝙠.

This quote means a lot to me. I have an allergy to “therapy-speak”, but this… this is the real deal. She’s describing real self-work.

I’ve spent the last year learning what I think, working out what I feel, unlearning what’s not me, and reexamining what is. Heavy excavation. I’m sure I’m now certified to operate a brain backhoe—on my own mental property, anyway.

This little poem, if you will, lines up with a lot of the Vedanta and yogic philosophy I’ve been reading lately. You aren’t the thoughts you have about yourself. You’re the one watching those thoughts—they are separate things outside of the true you. The proof: Let go of one of those thoughts—you’re still here, aren’t you? Then that thought wasn’t you. As it turns out you are just… YOU! I’ve been thinking on this for weeks now.

One unexpected result of deep research on my own psyche? For 20 years, I’ve considered myself an adherent to Buddhist philosophy. Imagine my surprise—turns out I may be more aligned with Hindu philosophy. No need to extinguish myself… I just needed to see who I was clearly enough to point myself out in a crowd!

I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve often been. I like the me who I be. I even look up to myself sometimes now. I’m grateful for my independence. I feel strong.
…but, ngl, tonight would be a lot softer, nourishing—delicious, even—if there was someone warm and beautiful in bed beside me… to talk to about all of this, and learn how her mind wraps around our world. Reverently. Close. Curiously. Intimate.